My wife has run up huge debts and it all points to another sordid affair

DEAR DEIDRE: MY wife is gorgeous, has a heart of gold and everyone loves her – but she has a dark side and her lying has spun out of control. 

She has run up huge debts and it all points to another sordid affair.

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I was chatting recently to my cousin and the subject of cheating came up. We are close and I told him I thought my wife and I were back on track after she strayed two years ago.

His reaction shocked me. He almost choked on his coffee and said: “You don’t know the half of it, mate.” I asked him to explain but he insisted I needed to see for myself.

I went home, my mind whirring, and went through her paperwork.

She’d run up thousands of pounds of debts on clothes, jewellery and spa treatments. There was also a £20,000 loan for cosmetic surgery.

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It started a year or so ago, when we were going through a rough patch. I’m 45, she’s 43. We have a nice home with no mortgage and two great kids, aged 20 and 18. But she spent hours texting, hidden away in our bedroom. I confronted her and she promised not to cheat again.

The private calls stopped and she showed more of an interest in me sexually, so I moved on.

I did hear her talking to a friend about a new guy at work and how “everyone fancies him”. But I decided I needed to trust her.

Now I feel like a mug. Why is she having cosmetic surgery without even talking to me? I’m convinced she’s cheating, or wants to, with this new colleague.

DEIDRE SAYS: Habitual liars have low self-esteem and your wife is testament to that. You are desperate to make your relationship work, so you brush your problems under the carpet.

You didn’t tackle why she went elsewhere that other time. There is no proof she is cheating but arranging cosmetic surgery without talking to you about it first shows a complete lack of communication, at the very least.

If you are going to make your relationship work, you both need a large dose of honesty. Carve out proper evenings together, not just slumped in front of the telly. Put some proper effort into your sex life.

Talk about what went wrong when she did cheat. What changes do both of you need now? Shake it all out – and once you are both done, you can concentrate on rebuilding her confidence.

Tell her how gorgeous she is and reassure her she does not need surgery.

My support pack Cheating – Can You Get Over It? will help you both. 

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