{"id":69880,"date":"2023-12-13T21:18:47","date_gmt":"2023-12-13T21:18:47","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/celeband.com\/?p=69880"},"modified":"2023-12-13T21:18:47","modified_gmt":"2023-12-13T21:18:47","slug":"how-i-found-love-again-without-my-children-getting-jealous","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/celeband.com\/lifestyle\/how-i-found-love-again-without-my-children-getting-jealous\/","title":{"rendered":"How I found love again (without my children getting jealous)"},"content":{"rendered":"<h1><span>EXCLUSIVE<\/span> After I divorced at 45, most of my dates thought I was looking for a &#8216;meal ticket&#8217; &#8211; this is how I found love again (without my children getting jealous)<\/h1>\n<ul>\n<li><span>Dating, Rosie Green found there was a stigma attached to being a single mother<\/span><\/li>\n<li><span>READ MORE:\u00a0Gwyneth Paltrow reveals how she shielded her children from trauma while going through her divorce from ex-husband Chris Martin<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>When I tentatively dipped my toe into the world of online dating, post-divorce, I received a message from a man who was also recently separated.<\/p>\n<p>After a day or so of messaging, he revealed he had not been open about his CEO status. The reason? Fear of being targeted by single mothers who wanted \u2018rescuing financially\u2019.<\/p>\n<p>He felt he was being pursued by women who were \u2018after my money\u2019.<\/p>\n<p>By then he knew I was a single mother, but one who was, he had confirmed, financially independent. I think he thought I\u2019d be pleased he had made this distinction, but instead I felt indignant on behalf of all of the solo mothers deemed to be after a meal ticket. Particularly as that was so far from my own dating desires.<\/p>\n<p>I quickly learned that to date online is to be judged. On your looks, your job, your age, your weight, your personality, your banter, your relationship track record.<\/p>\n<p><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter\" src=\"https:\/\/i.dailymail.co.uk\/1s\/2023\/12\/13\/20\/78929403-12860605-image-a-14_1702498029379.jpg\" height=\"901\" width=\"634\"><\/p>\n<p>Dilemma: Rosie Green had to juggle romance and family after her divorce at the age of 45<\/p>\n<p>This revelation felt shocking. But what surprised me more was the stigma attached to being a single mother.<\/p>\n<p>For the CEO wasn\u2019t alone in his trepidation. On discovering my solo parent status, men were often wary of me \u2014 and very keen to ascertain exactly what my commitments were. One, half-jokingly, said: \u2018Someone with children in boarding school is ideal.\u2019<\/p>\n<p>Friends and relatives often had very strong \u2014 differing \u2014 opinions on single parent dating.\u00a0<\/p>\n<p>\u2018Only date fathers because they know the reality of having children.\u2019 \u2018Go for men without children because then your children won\u2019t feel any threat.\u2019 \u2018Wait until your children are 18 before you date.\u2019 \u2018Get back on the horse now while they are young enough to adapt.\u2019\u00a0<\/p>\n<p>Now it seems Candace Bushnell, dating sage and creator of Sex And The City, has waded in on the matter, too.<\/p>\n<p>In a recent interview, the 65-year-old, who is happily unattached and has never had children, declared: \u2018If you\u2019re in your 40s, single and with kids at home, I don\u2019t think dating is a good idea. Instead, I think it\u2019s about taking care of yourself and understanding that you\u2019re responsible for your own happiness.\u2019<\/p>\n<p>Hmm. I love Candace, and I agree that you need to learn to love yourself before you hit the dating scene, but really? To generalise like that is pretty extraordinary.<\/p>\n<p>Circumstances are so different, as are individuals. And for her to load on the guilt about dating as a single mother feels counter to all the work she has done to advance feminism.<\/p>\n<p>For me, dating was a bit of light relief in my darkest time. My ego had been hammered by my marriage break-up at the age of 45, so it was a way of rebuilding my confidence. And an escape from the domestic drudge.\u00a0<\/p>\n<p>If someone had told me I needed to stay celibate for the next eight years, until my son and daughter reached adulthood, that would have pushed me into an even deeper hole.<\/p>\n<p><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter\" src=\"https:\/\/i.dailymail.co.uk\/1s\/2023\/12\/13\/20\/78929415-12860605-image-a-16_1702498063993.jpg\" height=\"969\" width=\"634\"><\/p>\n<p>When she tried online dating for the first time, Rosie was surprised to find that there was a stigma attached to being a single mother\u00a0<\/p>\n<p>That said, five years on, I do feel a pang of unease about that time in my life. After the split, my then pre-teen children needed me so much \u2014 emotionally, physically and financially. Their world had just imploded and I was their steady centre, the constant in their equation.<\/p>\n<p>I know they would have liked me to be ever present. And, yes, they would have liked me to take that break from men that Candace suggests.<\/p>\n<p>I knew their emotional security should be my number one priority \u2014 and it was \u2014 but I also craved a romantic connection. I knew it would help me heal. So I had to balance my needs and theirs.<\/p>\n<p>I had grown up in a single-parent household. My father left when I was three and soon headed off to a new city with a new partner. Beyond a few short-lived relationships, it was just Mum and me.\u00a0<\/p>\n<p>Mum dedicated her life to my upbringing at the cost of any romantic or social life. She concentrated on filling me with love and self-confidence. If I\u2019m honest, I know I would have found it unsettling if she had found a new relationship.<\/p>\n<p>Comparing myself to her made me feel a little guilty. I had to remind myself that she is more introverted, less desirous of romantic connection than me. She has said as much herself. So while I recognise she made a sacrifice in not finding a new man, I don\u2019t think she felt the loss as keenly as I would.<\/p>\n<p>One thing we definitely share is an awareness of the stigma around single parenting. The idea that single parents take from the state. That they are somehow morally dubious. That they are down on their luck.\u00a0<\/p>\n<p>I know my mother faced these prejudices when I was growing up. I remember people \u2014 from teachers to visiting workmen \u2014 talking disapprovingly about our \u2018type\u2019 of family.<\/p>\n<p>I think, generally, people are less judgmental than they were in the 1980s. But within the midlife dating community, where the apps are full of people financially scarred by their splits, the prejudice is still very real.<\/p>\n<p>Immediately after my traumatic break-up in 2018, I couldn\u2019t imagine being in a romantic relationship ever again. After a year or so, however, I realised that I wanted to date.<\/p>\n<p><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter\" src=\"https:\/\/i.dailymail.co.uk\/1s\/2023\/12\/13\/20\/78929413-12860605-image-a-17_1702498079936.jpg\" height=\"928\" width=\"634\"><\/p>\n<p>For Rosie, dating provided some light relief during her darkest time. Her ego had been shattered by her split, so it was a way of rebuilding her confidence\u00a0<\/p>\n<p>In 2019, a few friends set me up with their single mates and I joined a dating app.<\/p>\n<p>After my profile went live, the likes and messages came in thick and fast \u2014 a salve to my crushed self-esteem. And in among the chancers were a few guys with potential.\u00a0<\/p>\n<p>One, who went on to become a boyfriend, told me he was wary of meeting up as he thought my custody arrangements would mean there wouldn\u2019t be enough time for him.<\/p>\n<p>This man had the usual \u2018single dad\u2019 arrangement of having his children every other weekend and one week night. In the end we did arrange a date, but he was definitely disappointed I didn\u2019t have a more equal division of care. He was up front about it and I just absorbed his irritation and stayed silent.<\/p>\n<p>He was also averse to dealing with, in his words, any emotional \u2018messiness\u2019 during the fallout of my split. Particularly where the children were concerned. And as this was still early days, there was quite a lot of strife \u2014pain, sleepless nights and emotional outpourings.<\/p>\n<p>But I hid this from him and I presented myself as a carefree girlfriend with no baggage. I knew that\u2019s what he wanted. I stayed over at his house (and on my request he didn\u2019t ever come to mine), and when I was there it felt as if I was living in an alternative world.<\/p>\n<p>I minimised the extent of my children\u2019s suffering to him because I knew he would find it a turn off. I realise in retrospect this wasn\u2019t healthy.\u00a0<\/p>\n<p>The relationship ended after six months or so and, reflecting on Candace\u2019s words, I probably should have spent more time rebuilding myself before joining the apps.<\/p>\n<p>By the time I tried dating again six months later, I\u2019d had some therapy and was slowly piecing myself back together. But it was still daunting.<\/p>\n<p>Research by the single parent dating app called Even, which interviewed people about their partner preferences, found 16 per cent of people flatly refuse to entertain the idea of getting together with a single parent.\u00a0<\/p>\n<p><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter\" src=\"https:\/\/i.dailymail.co.uk\/1s\/2023\/12\/13\/20\/78929401-12860605-image-a-18_1702498111522.jpg\" height=\"423\" width=\"634\"><\/p>\n<p>Rosie believes he brought her second boyfriend into her children&#8217;s lives too soon &#8211; their pain was still too raw, their fear of abandonment too high (stock image)<\/p>\n<p>The reasons were myriad: one in four said it was down to concerns about messy situations with exes, while others thought they might get co-opted into parenting responsibilities.<\/p>\n<p>The hardest one to swallow was that some people equated a person\u2019s single parent status with a \u2018poor relationship track record\u2019. Depressing.\u00a0<\/p>\n<p>Perhaps it\u2019s no surprise then that, according to research from relationship platform eharmony, 64 per cent of single parents on dating sites don\u2019t mention they have children.<\/p>\n<p>Being seen as having \u2018baggage\u2019 because of their children is a worry for 28 per cent, while a quarter don\u2019t include their kids because they feel it\u2019s not \u2018important\u2019 information. More than one in five want to get to know someone before revealing they have children.<\/p>\n<p>Friends of mine have confessed they don\u2019t tell potential suitors about their children initially, having learned it can put men off. They hope that if they meet in real life, the man in question will be seduced by their charms and be able to see past it.<\/p>\n<p>When I uploaded the requisite amount of photos to my own profile, my children were not front of mind.<\/p>\n<p>I didn\u2019t talk about them in my blurb, or include any pictures of me with them, because I was \u2018selling\u2019 me, not them.<\/p>\n<p>It didn\u2019t seem appropriate that their angelic faces should appear on the phones of random men.<\/p>\n<p>I later learnt some men would see my omitting them from my profile as being dishonest about their existence. In fact, a music producer I went on a date with early on expressed surprise and mild annoyance that I had children.<\/p>\n<p>He thought I should have made this obvious by including photos of them in my profile.<\/p>\n<p><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter\" src=\"https:\/\/i.dailymail.co.uk\/1s\/2023\/12\/13\/20\/78929411-12860605-image-a-19_1702498137212.jpg\" height=\"423\" width=\"634\"><\/p>\n<p>Research by the single parent dating app called Even found 16 per cent of people flatly refuse to entertain the idea of getting together with a single parent (stock image)<\/p>\n<p>I told him it wasn\u2019t a deliberate deception and I think he could tell I was genuine. But I guess to him it was still a \u2018negative\u2019 about me.<\/p>\n<p>After the date I felt saddened by the judgmental nature of the interaction. I didn\u2019t see him again. I personally didn\u2019t mind if dates did, or didn\u2019t have, kids. There are pros and cons to both.<\/p>\n<p>I only seriously dated two men before I met my now boyfriend of two-and-a-half years. My children didn\u2019t meet the first. They did meet the second, and I now realise I brought him into their life way too soon. Their pain was still too raw, their fear of abandonment too high.<\/p>\n<p>They weren\u2019t ready to see me with someone else \u2014 it threatened their sense of security. Kids need their home to be a sanctuary and, until that point, I was always careful to go on dates away from the house \u2014 recruiting friends and family into childcare.<\/p>\n<p>But after a while I acquiesced to that boyfriend staying over. I regret this now. Then he confessed to being \u2018envious\u2019 of my children. It triggered major warning bells, and within a few weeks I\u2019d ended our relationship.<\/p>\n<p>It was all a learning curve and I think in those early days I was still finding my way through. My mum, brilliant as always, listened but never judged, though she expressed relief when it was over.<\/p>\n<p>I remember one man I messaged when I was first on the app saying he only dated women who were divorced (as opposed to mid-split) as they were more balanced, less fraught.<\/p>\n<p>As I wasn\u2019t in possession of my decree nisi at that point, I thought him harsh.<\/p>\n<p>Now, however, I can accept it\u2019s difficult to date someone still in the eye of the storm. Negotiating the financial settlement, working out custody \u2014 it\u2019s not an easy backdrop for courtship.<\/p>\n<p>Men are often more pragmatic when it comes to choosing partners, while women are prone to thinking love conquers all. Men can have a tick box list of requirements and are more ruthless about adhering to it. Women will flex and adjust if they really like someone.<\/p>\n<p><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter\" src=\"https:\/\/i.dailymail.co.uk\/1s\/2023\/12\/13\/20\/78929407-12860605-image-a-20_1702498153563.jpg\" height=\"357\" width=\"634\"><\/p>\n<p>Rosie&#8217;s dating experience has taught her that men are often more pragmatic when it comes to choosing partners, while women are prone to thinking love conquers all (stock image)<\/p>\n<p>One area guaranteed to cause issues is the ex. In the Even app research, lots of daters flag \u2018ex issues\u2019 as a problem they associate more with single parents. And it\u2019s true, if you have children you are bound to some form of contact with your ex until they are 18.<\/p>\n<p>This can raise issues of jealousy, rivalry, animosity or confusing civility with over familiarity.\u00a0<\/p>\n<p>Some men I went on dates with worried my ex and I would get back together. (I\u2019d reassure them it was more likely Trump would adopt they\/them pronouns.)<\/p>\n<p>When I met my now boyfriend I was in a much better place: a lot more able to be myself and less anxious to be \u2018perfect\u2019.<\/p>\n<p>We were introduced by a friend and it just felt right.<\/p>\n<p>My boyfriend has children and understands the joyousness, and the travails, that come with single parenthood. And also how much extra love and care is required when your offspring have been through a marriage split.<\/p>\n<p>The demands on your time, emotions and finances are undeniable, but if your partner accepts them with kindness, emotional maturity and generosity of spirit, then you know you can navigate pretty much anything together.<\/p>\n<p>My boyfriend has not pushed the pace, being very respectful of their space and their time with me, nor is he insistent my now teenage children \u2018respect\u2019 him.<\/p>\n<p><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter\" src=\"https:\/\/i.dailymail.co.uk\/1s\/2023\/12\/13\/20\/78929405-12860605-image-a-21_1702498168961.jpg\" height=\"423\" width=\"634\"><\/p>\n<p>Rosie&#8217;s boyfriend of two-and-a-half years has children and understands the joy, and the challenges, that single parenthood brings (stock image)<\/p>\n<p>He is not anxious about his place in the hierarchy. I think this is because he is secure in himself. I believe parental love and romantic love need not fight for attention. And, actually, if you see someone being a good parent, then surely that is a massive tick in their box, not a cross.<\/p>\n<p>Though I think Candace Bushnell is right that you shouldn\u2019t look to a romantic partner for your own happiness, I don\u2019t think it\u2019s necessary to remain single until your children have grown up.<\/p>\n<p>Dating as a single parent is not always easy \u2014 children, exes and the emotional fallout of a divorce add a whole new layer of complexity \u2014 but finding love has given me so much happiness. Not to mention the reserves to be a better mother.<\/p>\n<p>So Candace, while I\u2019m forever grateful you gave us Carrie Bradshaw, I\u2019m sidelining your single parent dating advice faster than you can say \u2018Manolos\u2019.<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>How To Heal A Broken Heart by Rosie Green (\u00a39.99, Orion) is out now. Instagram @lifesrosie<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>Source: <a href=\"https:\/\/www.dailymail.co.uk\/femail\/article-12860605\/After-divorced-45-dates-thought-looking-meal-ticket-love-without-children-getting-jealous.html\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Read Full Article<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>EXCLUSIVE After I divorced at 45, most of my dates thought I was looking for a &#8216;meal ticket&#8217; &#8211; this is how I found love again (without my children getting jealous) Dating, Rosie Green found there was a stigma attached to being a single mother READ MORE:\u00a0Gwyneth Paltrow reveals how she shielded her children from trauma while going through her [&#8230;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":69879,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[2],"tags":[],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v21.8 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>How I found love again (without my children getting jealous) - CELEBAND<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/celeband.com\/lifestyle\/how-i-found-love-again-without-my-children-getting-jealous\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"How I found love again (without my children getting jealous) - CELEBAND\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"EXCLUSIVE After I divorced at 45, most of my dates thought I was looking for a &#8216;meal ticket&#8217; 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